Character Introduction #5: The Electrocutioner

Your wait is over, eager readers, as the final member of the team is revealed!

The Electrocutioner (Anonymous Finch)

Age: 36

Plucked from: London, England, 1240 AD

   During the height of his career, Anonymous was a living legend as a killing machine, having essentially picked up where the plague left off. He was so well-respected that all future executioners would take on his moniker as a tribute. In short, life was good for Anonymous, until one fateful night, when he was struck by lightning during a routine execution. Interpreting it as an act of God, a newly-recovered Anonymous adopted the attitude that it was not his place to take lives. Not only was he guilt-ridden over beating out smallpox in London's death poll, but he was also out of a job, so he left.

   Next came a pilgrimage, the discovery of his electric powers, me revealing the plot of the second episode, and Solomon. As part of the team, Anonymous is thankful to have a noble purpose in life, but his attempts at pacifism are tragic failures. Here's a tip: Don't let this man walk your dog.

   And that's it for the team, but that doesn't mean the fun's over. There's been plenty going on behind-the-scenes, so check back real soon.

Character Introduction #4: Slaughterhouse Jive

Now this is where things get weird. Again.

Slaughterhouse Jive (Finian "Finn" Mathers)

Age: 19

Plucked from: New York, United States, 1982 AD

   Born a poor white child in Harlem, NYC, young Finn grew up enamored with African American culture, a longing outsider within his own neighborhood. Actually, he was more enamored with African American pop culture, forming his perception not from his surrounding reality, but instead from blaxploitation classics, early hip-hop, and stage acts. Stereotypes were increasingly enforced and accepted with everything he saw, from early minstrel shows to cutting-edge stand-up.

   By age thirteen, Finn was a good-natured, but wildly misinformed "afrophile." Alienated by both his schoolmates and his sexaholic single mother, Finn was able to secure a job at a butcher shop. Then, after eating a radioactive Christmas ham given to him by his boss, his melanin output increased tenfold and he became, in a word, black. Also, he got some superpowers or something.

   So yes, we agree that Finn is a bizarre, somewhat controversial character, but bear with us here. Finn isn't simply a misguided twist on the "token black" teammate so prevalent in today's entertainment. We of course plan to use him as a vessel in which to explore a number of other sociopolitical themes, an axe-wielding John Howard Griffin, if you will. Or maybe our pilot will get picked up by a wary network, and we'll be forced to change Finn into a genuinely African political activist named Malcolm Axe. Sigh... one can dream.

Character Introduction #3: Nurse Hatchet

Oh, boy! It's another character, and she's a lady!

 

Nurse Leslie "Hot Lips" Hatchet

Age: 32

Plucked from: Melbourne, Australia, 1932 AD

   First thing's first: Leslie is borderline psychotic. After growing up on her family's koala farm and spending much of her childhood as a medic for the fuzzy little guys, she decided to leave home for Melbourne and become a fighter in the city's underground women's boxing league. For years, Leslie thrived in the ring, but after some dude at a costume party told her how hot she looked in her nurse outfit, she realized her fate was sealed within the world of medicine.

  Then came World War I, and Leslie proved herself an outstanding nurse. She didn't lose a single patient, including a handful that had been declared legally dead by the time they made it to her tent. Following a particularly brutal battle, Leslie found that all of her scalpels were in use, and successfully operated on a soldier using a fire axe. (To be clear, this was not an amputation, but a stress-fueled bout of appendicitis.)

   After the war, she was easily able to find a job at a hospital, but she soon grew dissatisfied with effortlessly saving people's lives. In order to satisfy her blood lust, she started to let a few of the most despicable of her patients die. Essentially, she got her kicks from playing God. Enter Solomon.

   Among the team, she probably has the most outgoing personality. In other words, she scares the shit out of everyone. After all, she's been exposed to violence and injury all her life, and has been completely hardened to it. Actually, she kind of likes it. A lot. Almost as much as we like her!

  Up next: I haven't planned that far ahead. Enjoy your barbecues and fireworks tomorrow, fellow Americans. Non-fellow Americans, enjoy your regular, unworthy-of-celebration Monday.

Character Introduction #2: King Solomon

Here he is! The leader of our time-hopping heroes:

King Solomon

Age: 67

Plucked From: Jerusalem, Israel, 936 BC

   Yes, we're dealing with the same King Solomon of Old Testament fame, best known for suggesting a baby be chopped in half in order to trick a hooker. It is this demonstration of wisdom that convinces God Himself to bestow upon Solomon the responsibility of saving the universe as we know it, locating and leading the other wielders of the Axes of Power, (the aforementioned "good axes"), and defeating the wielders of the Axes of Evil, (which are the...evil...yeah, you get it, it's the title of the show).

   Now, because our plan is to take a pretty detailed look at the production process, some inevitable plot details will be revealed, such as the entire preceding paragraph. That's fine; it's the premise. Nonetheless, we will TRY to minimize any spoilers that would negate one's theoretical/eventual enjoyment of the content we are trying to create.

   That being said, though Solomon might come across as a crotchety old man, his reputation as one of history's wisest men is well-earned. There's a lot more to him than he lets on. Oooh, mysterious, right? We hope so. And for even more information, you can go read your Bibles!

  Coming up: more characters and wholesome messages.

Character Introduction #1: The Slumberjack

   Plucked from various times and places in order to fulfill their collective destiny, our heroes are ready for their introduction! Actually, just one is. We have to space these updates out. Since you've already gotten a taste of King Solomon, let's start with someone a little bit less familiar.

The Slumberjack (Louis LeBlanc)

Age: 36

Plucked From: Ontario, Canada, 2079 AD

   Before becoming a superhero, Louis was a mere lumberjack-turned-environmentalist, protesting against the mistreatment of his arboreal neighbors. Without giving too much away, that career went south, and Louis found himself living in a Canada far removed from the idyllic, syrup-guzzling nation we know today.

   One night soon thereafter, Louis was blessed with the power to induce narcoleptic tendencies in his foes, a power he received in a dream. Thus, the newly-christened Slumberjack became a beacon of hope; a Canadian beacon, if you will. Alongside his sidekick/mascot, the Slumberjackrabbit, Louis has had enough adventures to provide fodder for his own spin-off series, but we're getting waaaaay ahead of ourselves. What's important to note, though, is that there was no shortage of activity for the Slumberjack, and he developed an unfortunate addiction to crystal meth in a foolhardy attempt to stay wired and fight crime 24/7.

   Once he joins Solomon's team, he provides a near-endless source of joviality and brute strength, but traveling through time causes him to crash hard. He's a lovable guy, but his methamphetamine-fueled buffoonery only serves our show's ultimate message: DRUGS ARE BAD, KIDS!

  Alright, that's a fair enough little biography. Stay tuned for more real soon.